#ehh whatever if it’ll save people the pain of reading something they don’t want to

[astronomodome]

A lot of somewhat personal stuff under the break. Not really heavy or detailed or anything, just thinking about myself, I just know not everyone wants to know all my inner thoughts lmao (edit: idk if the break is real, it doesn’t show up. If so, sorry for the long post. Heart emoji)

Because like. All cards on the table I’m bisexual and nonbinary (I think) and I have ADHD (I think.) The issue is I’m not sure about any of those designations… I live in this sort of genderless space personally (and this is somewhat a product of my ADHD) but I don’t label myself. I feel uncomfortable calling myself bi, calling myself nonbinary, don’t even get me started on calling myself trans (or under the trans umbrella, etc etc…) When I was younger I used to worry about that but now I’ve found I don’t really care as long as I’m comfortable. And it works fine up until the point where I want to advocate for that or be included in this community. I see Pride Month and I understand it’s not really about me. And it should be, by all means, because I am queer. But I don’t feel queer enough, nothing about me says that. I read as a slightly strange cis woman. When I’m asked for my pronouns in real life, I say she/her. Online I say any are fine, I don’t really care. What are my pronouns? Hell if I know. I guess I’m closeted but I’ve never really felt like that. If I were out, what would I change about myself? Nothing.

I feel the same, more or less, about calling myself disabled because of my ADHD. It affects me but the only way I know it affects me is because I can see in real time how my brain works differently from other people’s. Society is structured around a brain that is not the same genre as mine. By all means, that makes me disabled. Mentally disabled. But I don’t feel it. While I was reading the article- it was about theatre performance by disabled artists and how they turned the sort of stereotypes and stuff around into humor- this might sound brainrotted of me, but I couldn’t help thinking of scar and his many many wheelchair jokes. And for a moment I felt proud, because here is an unabashedly disabled man turning it around and going yeah, I’m disabled, so what? But then I thought, well, all I have is ADHD. In the outside, all I am is a slightly strange person. How could I ever compare to him? How can I claim to be disabled, to dare to identify with this group, while appearing so… normal?

I know posts like this usually end with the person coming to terms with themselves more, but every time I try to take the necessary and obvious step- that is to say, yes, I am queer, I am disabled, both of these things affect my life and I have a right to identify with other queer people, other disabled people- I find myself doubting that I really deserve to. That I’m not just intruding, putting the masks on for show and brownie points. I know I’m not, of course. But it still kind of stops me in my tracks. It’s not a sad thing. It’s just something I’ve noticed.

What do you guys think? I know this isn’t just a me thing, I’ve seen these ideas floating around before. And I’m not asking for pity, I just find it interesting to have these discussions in a public forum (in my tired, delirious state at least)

For one of my classes I read an article on the disability rights movement and its similarities to & intersections with the queer rights movement and it got me thinking about my own relationships to those aspects of myself. It doesn’t help that it’s also 1 am and I’m very tired

[thewanderingqueer]

evens ✌🏻

Shit I just saw this my bad! 2: think of the last person who hurt you; do you forgive them?I actually honestly can't remember the last person who hurt me since I've been a hermit lately bc school... but hopefully?4: what’s something you really want right now?For all my homework to be done for this week6: do you like the beach?Hell yeah, the beach is awesome as long as it's not too crowded8: what’s the background on your cell?My dog is my lock screen background and the One Ring script from LOTR is my unlocked background 10: do you like your phone?Yeah, it's fine. It's got basically no memory space or data though so it's really slow 12: who was the last person whose phone number you added to your contacts?I dunno... probably my friend Andy? 14: which hurts the most, physical or emotional pain?emotional, although I'm a total wuss when it comes to physical pain too16: are you tired?all day every day my guy 18: are they a relative?(1st phone contact) yeah, my sister 20: when did you last talk to the last person you shared a kiss with?ehh... July?22: would you kiss the last person you kissed again?No, that would be bad and just no thanks 24: is there a certain quote you live by?"Trust your dreams, trust your heart, and trust your story" - Neil Gaiman26: do you have any tattoos?no but I want so many like dang 28: next time you will kiss someone on the lips?pfft I dunno, I'm in the most intense semester of my life so I doubt it'll be anytime soon30: think to the last person you kissed, have you ever kissed them on a couch?yeah32: do you have a friend of the opposite sex you can talk to?yep! 34: has anyone ever told you you have pretty eyes?For sure, my eyes are probably my most complimented feature tbh36: were you single on valentines day?Last Valentine's day? No. Tomorrow? absolutely.38: what do your friends call you?Mainly Carson, although there's still a few people that call me by my dead name since I haven't come out to them yet 40: have you ever cried over a text?probably, yeah. Although I cry really easily so that wouldn't be hard. 42: what is it from?(last bruise) I don't even know, I run into things on a daily basis, but it could be from anywhere44: who was the last person you were on the phone with?My mom, I'm not a big phone call person though so it's normally only her46: do you wear hats if your having a bad hair day?yeah, benies save me on a regular basis48: do you make supper for your family?When I'm home, yeah. 50: top 3 web-pages?um... Facebook, youtube, and tumblr?52: does anything on your body hurt?everything, I'm always sore and achy 54: what was the last beverage you spilled on yourself?either water or coffee, I spill things a lot 56: what do you usually do first in the morning?shower? 58: think back to january 2007, were you single?haha I was in middle school and I think homeschooled so I had no way to not be single 60: when’s the next time you will give someone a big hug?the next time I see any of my friends probably. So this weekend?62: when will be the next time you text someone?I dunno, my phone has been really quiet today and I've been enjoying that a lot64: what were you doing at 8 this morning.I was at work!66: is there one person in your life that can always make you smile?My mom, she's pretty chill and I'm always happy when I get to see her 68: what was your last thought before you went to bed last night?I think I was counting how many hours of sleep I would get if I fell asleep immediately 70: how many windows are open on your computer?well, I have two other tabs open besides this, but this is the only window open right now 72: what is your ringtone?Whatever the default is on an iphone. I normally keep my phone on vibrate 74: where is your mum right now?At home, probably reading in bed by now 76: have you held hands with somebody in the past three days?nope78: do you remember who you had a crush on in year 7?in 7th grade I had a mad crush on this one guy who had flippy hair and was rocking the emo skater look but then we both ended up being gay so... 80: have you ever fallen asleep in someones arms?plenty of times 82: has anyone seen you in your underwear in the last 3 days?haha no, that would be really awkward considering I'm a live-in nanny for a family 84: you’re drunk and yelling at hot guys/girls out of your car window, you’re with?no one because no one I hang out with would be down for that sober or drunk 86: what was the most eventful thing that happened last time you went to see a movie?I probably cried because I cry watching movies a lot 88: if someone gave you $1,000 to burn a butterfly over a candle, would you?I want to say no, but I have so many bills to pay... theoretically I'll say absolutely not 90: have you ever trusted someone too much?I tend to try and see the best in people, but I don't tend to trust them so much that I'd be devastated if they betrayed me in some way 92: do you get along with girls?I'm awkward with everyone regardless of gender identity, but I definitely don't dislike girls at all 94: does sex mean love?not for me. I'm kind of indifferent to sex 96: have you ever kissed anyone with a lip ring?nope98: everybody has somebody that makes them happy, do you?My dog 100: who was the last person that you pinky promise?oh my gosh, I pinky promise on a regular basis.. probably one of the students I tutor thoughThanks for the ask Kam!